


Confessions

by Patriarch



Category: Trailer Park Boys
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 10:01:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20044141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Patriarch/pseuds/Patriarch
Summary: Lucy leaves Ricky again..this time for good. For months Ricky was hopeful that she would come back but the realization that she wasn't was slowly sinking in.___________________________________This story is set in an alternative version of season 11 where Ricky and Bubbles are still making pizza sauce but Julian isn't too involved ATM. In this version Julian has managed to strike a deal with Barb to stay in the park.🌳🐿️🍅





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't really like how they handled Lucy leaving. Ricky was crazy about her.It seemed un-natural that he got over her so easily. Then again Trailer park boys isn't really a drama lol  
\--------------------------------------------------------  
This is my first real fanfic I've written in over 10 years so I would love some feedback😄 please tell me what you think and if you have any tips for me or any plot ideas. I'll be continuing the story if anyone asks.

It was late enough that the sun had gone down hours ago, leaving the trailer park an odd kind of peaceful it rarely was. Julian had just finished topping up his drink when frantic knocking pulled his attention to the door. He sighed as he picked up his drink, casually walking towards the door. When he opened it, he was greeted by Ricky, crying hysterically. The smell of booze and cigarettes was strong on his clothes.  
"Julian, ... it's...it's Lucy. She really isn't coming back man. She's gone for goods this time... I..I...I don't know what I'm gonna do." Those last words came out with a loud sob as he swayed a bit in the doorway. He was still tipsy and probably had been drinking all day. Ricky caught Julian's stare through his hands as he was rubbing his eyes dry and said nothing. It was embarrassing for him to be seen like this but somehow his brain thought coming here would be a good idea.  
"Come on man we're not doing this out here." Julian sighed before wrapping a free arm around Ricky, guiding him into the trailer. It probably came out more insensitive than he wanted but it had been a long day and Julian was tired. The last thing he wanted was his neighbors poking around. Especially Randy and Lahey.

Julian guided Ricky to the couch and sat him down so they could sit face to face. Taking one last sip, he placed the glass down on a nearby table before turning his attention back to Ricky.  
"When she said she needed space and she was going to the states, I was fine with it. Thought.....you know.. after a couple weeks she'd come back....miss Sunnyvale and come back. But it's been months now and I got too thinking, she just needs more space, you know?  
Julian almost felt sorry for how gullible he could be.  
"-Then I got a letter from her that she met someone else's now and she's staying."  
Ricky lost all composure as he heard the words out of his mouth.  
Julian sighed before opening his arms, offering Ricky a heartfelt embrace. Taking the silent invitation he rested his forehead low on the larger man's shoulder as a gentle hand on his head held him against his chest.  
Seeing Ricky like this made Julian feel exhausted. Then again, he always had trouble separating his emotions when it came to Ricky.  
It was quiet in the trailer, except for the low buzzing hum of the fridge and dark except for the one lamp shining in the living room, illuminating where they sat.  
They stayed that way for some time. Long enough that Ricky's shallow gasps slowly began drawing deeper as Julian grew more absent-minded.  
When Ricky managed to compose himself enough to lift his head up, Julian's attention met Bright Blue eyes peering up at him. Ricky had stopped crying for some time now and appeared calm but the water left in them reflected hints of other emotions.  
"Julian do you think you could.... you know." He hesitated. "-Can you do that thing? You used to do when we were kids?"  
You know we're not kids anymore Ricky, he wanted to say, but somehow the words never passed his lips. he sighed in defeat before hesitantly placing his hand back on Ricky's head. Grabbing as much as he could, Julian slowly began running his fingers through the other man's hair. Ricky rested his head back onto Julian's chest, making it easier for him to continue. His breathing steadied as he allowed Julian's strong but gentle touches replace his troubled thoughts.  
For Julian, the familiar sensation easily drifted his mind back to old memories.  
The last time he had done this for Ricky they were probably about 16. Ricky's emotions were especially volatile in those days. For bullies, Ricky was an easy target. He was clumsy, talked funny and had always been sensitive about not being good at school. Early on in life, he had learned to wear his anger like a shell.  
Ricky would yell and pick fights, Sometimes ones he couldn't win. It didn't take long before Julian seemed to naturally take on the role of a caretaker for Ricky. Julian couldn't count the number of times he had to patch him up. Whenever he got worked up, talking to him never did much good. After one particularly rough time, Ricky wouldn't stop crying. Julian figured he'd try a new approach and comforted him the way his grandmother would do for him. He pulled Ricky close, rubbing long slow circles into his back while holding him protectively. When it was apparent to Julian it worked, He decided to try something new. When he combed his fingers through his hair, the response was almost instant. He'd lean into the touch, trembling sobs fading almost instantly. A calmness settling into Ricky's features that he'd rarely see many things could do. Inseparable since day one, they had become accustomed to this quickly. Julian loved feeling needed, it was in his nature and Ricky loved the extra attention.  
It didn't take long before Julian found he would continue to do this for Ricky long after he'd stopped crying. At some point, Ricky didn't even need to cry anymore for there to be a reason. That's when Julian believed the meaning behind it started to change. As time passed, the touches became more gentle, the sessions became longer and Julian's thoughts wandered farther each time, until one day they scared him.  
Julian was the one that told Ricky they had to stop. That Ricky was getting too old for this and that he needed to grow up. Ricky didn't understand. He whined but ultimately agreed. Afterall Julian was always right. It was really just an excuse. But whatever it was, Julian didn't have to worry about it anymore.  
Julian snapped out of his distracted thoughts when the buzzing of the fridge had become absent. His gaze shifted back to Ricky, still in his arms. A hand still in his hair. The chest against him rose and fell with deep long breaths. Every touch, every sound, the silence around them magnified.  
The irony, he thought to himself. All these years seemed to change nothing. Like planets never pulling free from each other's orbit. Those familiar feelings were back again and this time, Julian could recognize it for what it was and time had proven it wasn't going away.  
"Hey Julian?" Ricky spoke softly,  
breaking the silence. Julian thought he had been asleep. He turned his gaze back down to the man resting against him.  
"Yeah ?"  
"I don't know what I'm gonna do without her....... I loved her so much." Ricky spoke. Exhaustion clear in his voice...........I can't fucking do anything by myself man....I'm so pafetik." Ricky wanted to yell, but he didn't have the energy. They came out as a fact and not much else.  
"Hey look at me." Julian said, pulling Ricky up so they faced each other.  
"Ur a good guy and you've always put family first. That makes you smarter than most people".  
Ricky seemed disinterested with that response. Or Mabey he was just tired.  
"It's true isn't it? I was too fucking stupid for her. I Fucked up too many times and she got tired of it."  
Ricky's tone was almost taunting as he gaged Julian for a reaction. Was he trying to get Julian to agree with him or piss him off? Julian hid his frustration.  
"Lucy was actually too good for me...Lucy knew it and that's why she fucking left. His tone was certain. As if there could be no other truth. The self-pity was getting on Julian's worn nerves.  
"Something better will come along man I promise." He had managed to keep his voice gentle but some annoyance had managed to crack into his tone.  
"Well that's easy for you to say Julian. You never really liked Lucy. I might be stupid but even I could tell."  
"Hey common man I never said that."  
"Didn't have toos."  
They were just talking, but Julian found this conversation was beginning to become unsettling. Julian wanted to stop himself but he couldn't. Or Mabey he just didn't want to play this game.  
His grip on Ricky's shoulders tightened.  
"I know you loved Lucy and you don't want to hear this right now but she wasn't good for you. She'd leave you when you didn't have money or when things would get tough, like you weren't good enough for her and family doesn't do that shit! She always tried to make you into something you're not and you don't do that to someone you love!" Julian's words brimmed with resolve, coming out louder than he expected but still not a shout.  
He meant every word and it felt good to get it off his chest, but the feeling was short-lived. One look from Ricky staring back at him and he instantly regretted the poorly timed confession.  
"Ricky I'm sorry I...."  
"I can't fucking believe you Julian." He said with a grin. Rage crept behind every syllable. Exhaustion prevented him from showing the emotion fully.  
"I come here with my feelings to you and you just use them to insult Lucy!!"  
Ricky got up so fast off the couch that Julian didn't have a chance to stop him." Ricky I'm sorry common you don't have to go I'm sorry. I didn't mean it!" He pleaded following after him.  
"I think you did Julian-" He said almost mockingly.  
\- and you know what else's? I think you're glad she's gone." He stopped after he reached the door to turn to Julian who had followed him there.  
"And you wanna know what I think else Julian"? Watery eyes refused to break focus with Julian's as he undid the lock. "Fuck you and your fucking feelings!!" He roared, waving a middle finger.  
With that, Ricky bolted out the door slamming it behind him. He could hear Ricky's fast-paced strides disappear into the night as they got quieter, putting more and more space between them. Julian was left with too many emotions to process. A dam had been broken and he was drowning.  
He decided against going after him tonight, Ricky would be better off left alone. In the state both of them were in, he couldn't imagine any scenario playing out successfully.  
When Julian finally climbed into bed, he still hesitated too long before falling asleep. His mind wandered back to familiar places.  
He followed the silhouette of his hand in the dark. Remembering what it felt like to comb his fingers through Ricky's hair, the warm breath on his skin and those bright eyes looking into his own. He wondered what it'd be like to touch the rest of him like that, with such attention. Then he remembered those same eyes and how they looked at him with rage and hurt. A pang of guilt mixed in with the heat rising in his stomach.  
Julian wished he hadn't said anything.


	2. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Julian reflects on his past and present choices as he prepares to apologize to Ricky.

Julian woke up the next morning in a sleepy haze. Even so, his mind felt much clearer than before. 

Sitting himself up in bed, Julian rested his head against the wall and rubbed his eyes, ignoring any urges to go back to sleep. When he finally tore the covers off, he became steadily aware he had slept in his clothes. Remembering how scattered his thoughts had been, Julian forgave himself as he messily tossed the sheets away before sliding off the bed to stagger to the bathroom. 

As Julian splashed cold water on his face, his eyes caught his own reflection and couldn't help but stare. The bathroom was lit with a single bulb that shone a harsh light over the sink, making shadows paint his face. They only seemed to make the puffy skin under his eyes look even darker. The sight effortlessly brought Julian back to last night. Those thoughts weren't too far away to begin with. He cursed himself, as he remembered how everything he'd said had come so easy. If only now it could all be as easily forgotten.

Against his better judgment, he'd allowed himself to put his hands on Ricky in a way that he knew would stir up old buried feelings, and it had. Every touch had managed to chip away at the wall of indifference he'd built for both their sakes. Finally, after all these years that wall between them had chosen the worst time to crack. 

Julian walked back to the bedroom, grabbing his favorite glass off the bedside table. As he held the empty glass, turning it in his hand, he thought to himself. If he was going to have to deal with Ricky today, first he'd need a drink.

Julian enjoyed breakfast at his leisure. Buying time to compose himself and clear any residual fog from his mind. After throwing the dishes in the sink, Julian topped up his rum & coke one last time, then grabbed the sunglasses he'd left himself on the kitchen counter, putting them on to hide his tired eyes. As he approached the door, Julian's racing thoughts froze him in place, leaving his hand hovering over the knob.

The rift he'd torn in their friendship wasn't going to be an easy fix, and for one of the few times in his life, Julian didn't have a plan for how anything was going to play out and it had been a long time since Julian felt he didn't have control. Doubt settled in his mind and with it, a fear that things might not be able to go back to the way they were.

This had been exactly what he'd wanted once. The dark-haired man couldn't help but remember a time when he had been determined to leave Sunnyvale behind and along with it, Ricky. 

Years ago, the two of them had served an 18-month long sentence and not all of it had been the pretty picture Ricky liked to paint it as, or at least not for Julian. Sure they had had some great times but Ricky had also found ways to get them in trouble even when he didn't manage to start it. Watching the Burnette's back was such a full-time job that by the time they'd reached the halfway point of their sentence, Julian was tired of him. After he complained that Ricky was _picking fights like he was untouchable_, the Burnette had boasted that he could take care of himself. Fed up, Julian had left Ricky on his own for a couple weeks. Quickly, it had become clear that Julian had been part of the reason Ricky had been getting away with most things. Ricky got into mild scuffles and small fights as Julian patiently waited for his stubborn Friend to admit he was wrong, but Julian had started to think mabey he really had been too overprotective....

That was, until the news that Ricky seemed to be on his own had spread to the worst kind of people. Julian had been greatful he'd found him before anything happened but it had been such a close call they were both shaken up about it. Julian could count on one hand the number of times he'd ever been that scared. After the _incident, _the two of them had quickly agreed to call off the challenge. And Ricky for once agreed to start following Julian's rules.

His cooperation made the last couple of months go much easier, But the fact that Julian couldn't catch a break even if he wanted to made Julian grow quite resentful. By the time their sentence was up, he'd had alot of time too reflect and decided it would be better for both thier sakes to part ways. He blamed Ricky for why they got caught (even tho they both couldn't remember). It was a decent excuse for wanting to cut ties and Julian figured once they were out, he wouldn't be needed as much.

Ricky and Lucy had been on and off for about 8 years, chances were she wasn't going anywhere so Julian felt it was the perfect opportunity time to move on. He saw that Ricky had the one thing he'd always wanted. A Family. Sure it wasn't perfect but it was a lot better than (Ray) anything else he had, and Julian didn't want to ruin that for him.

But then Lucy kicked Ricky out, the plan quickly fell apart when Julian found it impossible to leave Sunnyvale knowing Ricky wasn't ok. It was just a crappy car. He figured it wasn't like he let him stay at his place so maybe he could still keep his distance but one excuse quickly turned into another and before long he'd invited Ricky back into his life while giving up every opportunity to leave at the same time. 

Now without thinking at all, he had managed to get what he'd wanted before and Ironically, he hated it.

After gathering enough courage, Julian finally headed out the front door, closing it behind him. Figuring he wouldn't be out too long, he didn't bothered to lock it. The dark haired man carefully made his way down the steps. Catching the sight of Ricky's car in the driveway gave him some relief. There was a good chance the Burnette was still In the park.

Interrupted by a firm knock on the door, Bubbles poked his head out to see Julian standing there, looking big in the doorway. "Hey bubs how's it going?"

"Hey there Julian, I'm doin' all right." He said smiling. "-Just playing here with ma kitties."

He gestured behind him to his bunk bed before opening the door the rest of the way, stepping outside to talk to Julian properly.

"I'm looking for Ricky by the way, have you seen him?" Julian asked, nonchalantly taking a sip from his glass as he rested the other hand on his hip.

"Nope, can't say that I have, did hear him tho."

"When was this?"

"Last night. A slammed door woke me up, then I just heard Ricky mumbling something to himself while he walked off." 

"Do you know if Ricky slept in his car last night?"

"No sorry Julian, kinda hard for me to say.I was kinda half asleep... Is everything alright?" Bubbles looked noticeably concerned as he adjusted his glasses.

Julian sighed. "Ricky and I had a bit of a fight."

"Oh well that's nothing new."

"Yeah but this one was different Bubs, It was about Lucy." He paused to take another sip. "Ricky wasn't doing too well and came by my house to talk about it. Both of us were not in the best mood and I.......well..I said some things I shouldn't have." Julian's face heated up with hidden embarrassment.

Bubbles shifted his eyes back and forth. "So he's finally cracked huh?"

"You saw this coming?" He pointed at bubbles with the drink in his hand. Bubbles _had_ been spending more time with Ricky lately so it made sense but he still wished someone would have given him a warning.

"You know, working with him, he seemed to be doin' good. Keeping busy you know? But every once in a while he'd get this shifty look in his eyes and something would set him off. "It was real scary Julian." Bubbles lowered his voice leaning in. "-Like walking 'round a fuckin' landmine."

"Yeah well, you know Ricky-" Julian took a big sip from his glass. "-He takes time to process things. "I'm gonna head out now to see if I can find him."

"I could help you look for him if you'd like?"

"Thanks but this is kinda my fault and I really just wanna try and find him on my own. You know...so I can apologize."

"Well You know where to find me if you change your mind."

"Thanks buddy." Julian's affectionate pat on the shoulder was returned by a small smile from Bubbles before he returned to his shed.


	3. Chapter 3

Since there was no guarantee how far Ricky had gone, Julian decided he'd take his car to search the park. The weather wasn't anything special but the light breeze outside was nice enough to leave the window on the driver's side open. As he drove, Julian held his drink in his left, using the open window like an arm rest. There seemed to be no one outside. In contrast to his own dissaray, The park felt quite ordinary. As if yesterday never happened.

up ahead, Julian spotted Mr. Lahey and Randy, fixing a couple of knocked over garbage cans that had been torn open. Their contents were half scattered over the lawn and half on the approaching stretch of road. Julian could see Randy putting the litter he'd picked up into a garbage bag Lahey was holding. By the way the old man was walking, it was clear he had already started drinking.

Mr lahey's demeanor changed when he spotted Julian pulling up beside them.

"Well well, look who it is!"Hes said shaking the garage bag uncomfortably close to Julian's drink. 

"I don't want any trouble Jim. I'm just looking for Ricky..have you seen him?"

"Ohhh you hear that Randers?_ Julian_ doesn't want any trouble," he mocked.  
"-well let me tell you something, where there's shit-smoke there's a Shit-Fire and where there's a Ricky there's a Julian."

"Look around Julian-!" Mr Lahey said as he took a step back to stretch his arms out and dramatically look both ways before he started losing his balance, then he quickly stepped back to where he stood before and placed his free hand on Julian's car to hold himself up."-Looks like a shit fire to me."

"Lahey, you drunk!...What the fuck are you talking about? Do you think if I knew where he was I'd be asking ?" Julian had little patience for him today.

"Mr Lahey _please_,"Randy pleaded softly. "Let's see what he has to say." 

"You do that bud." Lahey pat him on the shoulder before walking off to continue cleaning up but staying close enough so he could still hear their conversation.

".....Sorry 'bout that Julian. This morning's been one thing after another and now you showed up looking for Ricky? I think what Mr. Lahey was trying to say is that it seems suspicious you don't know what happened." 

"I'm not behind him 24/7." Julian said defensively as Randy watched him take a sip. "...It just so happens, that I slept in today, so why don't you fill me in with what's going on here?"

"Well, for starters, Ricky's the one that made this friggin mess! Ronnie found him sleeping on his trash bags this morning. Apparently when he woke Ricky up to try and get him off his yard, they got into a fight. A bit later he showed up here trying to wreck our car and dared us to call the cops. When we came outside he tried to steal Mr Lahey's car keys so I tackled him! Then he threw me into the trash cans and hit me with one of the bags before he took off!"

"You wanna tell me what kind of   
shit-uation we got going on here ?" Lahey interjected, making his way back beside Randy.

Julian was beginning to get an inkling now on what Ricky was up to. He just hoped his suspicions were wrong.

"Sorry guys about all this but Lucy left him and he hasn't been taking it well.  
I'd really appreciate it if you cut him some slack here."

"Julian....she's been gone for 3 months!?" Randy said dumbfounded.

"I know that Randy, but this is Ricky we're talking about here!!" Did he really have to explain?

Julian rubbed his eyes with one hand from under his sunglasses."Lahey can you just do me a favour and not call the cops just yet?"

"Hasn't Barb already done you a favour by letting you stay in the park?" Mr Lahey smirkingly teased but Julian wasn't amused.

"Look I'm trying to help you out here. I can either find Ricky, take him off your hands and get Cory and Jacob to help you clean up, or......I can leave Ricky tearing up this park until he does enough for the cops to show up and you two would still have to clean up."

Mr Lahey thought over the offer as best as he could in his drunken state.  
"Alright Julian. You've got yourself a Deal-" He said as he reached out for a handshake that Julian ignored  
because, among other reasons, he still had a drink in his hand. Lahey recovered from the rejection in record speed, turning his hand into a finger he pointed at julian.

"-Under one condition, If he leaves the park the deals off and I'm calling in the heavys."

"...Ok...fine."   
He couldn't believe he was making deals with Lahey. Ricky had better appreciate this.

"He went that way." Randy gestured pointing to the general direction of Julian's house.

"Tip of advice Julian? You might want to find Ricky before he gets to his car,"  
Lahey warned.

"Alright thanks," Julian said as he backed up the car before driving off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has ended up way longer than I originally intended. I know these last two chapters aren't as strong as the first, drama wise, but I assure you its coming. I could have written a quick "making up" story but I wanted to stay true to the feel of the show and its always been about Sunnyvale as a community and the little interactions between all its characters.


	4. Chapter 4

Julian had only been driving for less than a minute when he turned onto the next street. There in the distance, he noticed someone ahead absent-mindedly walking in the middle of the road, as if they were watching the gravel disappear under their feet.

The long stretch of road they were on was filled with large trailer's that ran along it's sides. Since they both seemed to be heading the same direction, it was hard to get a good look at the man's face. But once Julian had driven a bit closer he didn't need to anymore. He recognized the back of his shirt immediately. After all, aside from some new scuffs of dirt, it was the same one Ricky had worn last night.  
The far end of the street turned into thier neighborhood but luckily for Julian, they wouldn't get there for quite a bit. Deciding to stay unoticed for a while longer, He slowed the car to a crawl to keep the distance between them. As he watched the Burnette's back from his window, he took a sip from his glass.

A glimpse of smoke rising in the sunlight led Julian's eyes to a lit cigarette Ricky had in his left hand. The same hand he kept using to hold his right shoulder with when he wasn't using it to take another drag. It was safe to assume he'd been hurt in one of the fights from this morning. Watching Ricky's failed attempts at juggling between the two tasks fortunately gave away that his injury wasn't anything serious. Probably a scrape or a bruise.

Julian put his drink down in one of the cup-holders and rested his arm back on the ledge of his open window. Now that he'd gotten a better idea what kind of mood Ricky was in, he felt ready to talk.  
As he slowly drove closer, Ricky heard the car approaching behind him but didn't bother to lift his gaze from the ground. When the car didn't seem to want to pass him, Ricky curiously shot a glance over his shoulder to see who it was. Recognizing the car immediately, he turned away like he'd seen nothing and started walking faster. A moment of silence passed between them.

"Ricky..!" Julian shouted from the window but he didn't get a reaction. "Come on, I just wanna talk!!"

"Fuck off Julian."  
Ricky retorted, keeping his gaze fixed ahead.

Julian's nerves were already simmering. Dealing with Lahey hadn't helped.

In a moment of clumsiness, Ricky dropped his cigarette. By the time he stopped and picked it up, Julian had closed the remaining space between them until he was following only 2 steps behind him. Despite this, Ricky still continued like he hadn't noticed.

"Come on man....this is stupid!"

"Yeah well look who you're talkin toos." Ricky replied monotonously.

"Can you quit this shit?!...What are you trying to do?!"

"Well, MR smartly-pants? Hope-ully go right back to fucking jail!..No point staying here… I mean, I am fucked without Lucy!  
So, might as well get some good fucking dope, see some family faces, and go someplace where you're not being a Dick!!

Julian sighed in frustration. "I'm sorry ok?! Just- Come back to my trailer so we can talk..I can patch you up?" He added, hoping to sweeten the deal.

Ricky placed the cigarette back in his mouth. "I got something you can patch up right here!" He slurred as he turned to wave a middle finger at him before turning away again. "I'm not changing my brain about this. I just want my car, so you can fuck-off now!"

Leaning back in his seat, Julian let out another breath. He couldn't believe Ricky was pulling this stunt again but he wasn't surprised either. Maybe this was all a bluff, just a way for Ricky to get even with him, but he wouldn't take that risk. Did Ricky know that too? He looked out the windshield for a second, taking in the current situation. They were almost at the end of the road and he was running out of options.

Unfortunately, He'd had as much success talking it out with Ricky as he usually did.

Julian reached over and opened the glove box. Inside was a thick roll of silver duct tape, usually kept for emergencies and patch jobs. "Sorry about this buddy," he said to himself as he stopped the car. Throwing his sunglasses onto the passenger's seat, he grabbed the tape, sliding out the car in one swift move.

By the time Ricky had registered the footsteps approaching behind him and turned around, Julian had already grabbed his arm so fast, it knocked the cigarette out of his hand. 

"Julian, what the fuck!?"

Ripping a long strip of tape with his mouth. He turned Ricky towards him, binding his wrists together in front of him. When he started fighting the restraints, Julian took the roll again and wrapped it around a few more times until it was strong enough before tearing it off the roll. With a grip under Ricky's good arm, he began dragging him towards the car, meeting resistance every step of the way.

"You asshole!" Ricky said. "You owe me another Fucking cigarette!"

Julian ripped another piece of tape and slapped it onto his mouth. 

"Mhmhmhmmh!!!" Fury visibly painted the lines on Ricky's face but it was still better than having to drive with a car full of commentary.

"Sorry bud but this is for your own good," Julian said as he opened the backseat door, opposite to the driver's side. Despite everything, he still made sure to guide Ricky so he wouldn't hit his head on the way in. Slamming the door shut, Julian walked around the car and got back into the driver's seat. Then he took a large sip from his glass before putting it back and driving off.

The trailer wasn't too far now. Usually at this time of day, kids were playing outside so Julian kept his casual driving pace from before. As Ricky quieted down in the backseat, he allowed his focus to slowly return to the road…...

Until the distinct click of a lighter tore his attention away.

"What are you doing?!"Julian said. Looking up from the road he caught sight of a lighter on Ricky's lap through the rear-view mirror. Between the fingers of his taped up hands was a newly lit cigarette. 

"Are you crazy!? How are you even supposed to smoke that?"

Ricky glanced at him defiantly through the mirror before reaching his hands toward his mouth to pull at the tape. After a small struggle, he had managed to rip it clean off, but the strong motion had also knocked the cigarette out of his hands. "Fuck!", he yelled as it landed by his feet. He tried stomping at the ground to get it but it rolled away. 

"Ricky for God sakes put it out!"

"I'm trying!"

Julian had little regard for the road now but it wasn't a concern. The trailer was up ahead and by the time his patience ran out, they had arrived. Stopping the car, Julian crookedly parked it by the side of the road in front of his place.

"Give me that!" Julian craned over the seat to get the cigarette himself. Throwing it out onto the road, he stepped out of the car and slammed the door behind him before silently walking over and pulling Ricky out of the car. This time with less consideration than before.

Ricky only had a second to gauge the other man's expression as he was pulled from the car. It seemed unreadable, too blank to really say, but he understood what it meant when he was like this.

"I'm sorry.. Fuck.. Julian I'm sorry!" Ricky said timidly as Julian pulled him roughly by the bicep towards the trailer. He could tell Julian was refusing to look at him. Ricky tried his best to break out from his grip but the restraints made it too hard for him to gain any footing. Before long he found himself passing his own parked car in the driveway, not by choice. "Fuck....let go of me!..Or I'll fucking sue you for hassle-ment," Ricky desperately threatened as he was dragged up the stairs. Julian still hadn't looked at him once. Fear started setting in when the trailer door was opened harder than necessary. Even with all his effort to resist going inside, he was pushed through the threshold with more ease than he'd hoped. 

It was moments like this Ricky was reminded how much stronger Julian really was.

When the door swung closed behind them, Ricky only had a second to turn around before Julian gripped him by the collar and pulled him backwards until he had pinned him against the nearest wall. The quick impact instantly caused a sting of pain to revisit the sore spot on his arm. Looking up, Ricky's gaze met with dark looming eyes that were too close for comfort.

"What the hell is fucking wrong with you man!!" 

Ricky shifted uncomfortably in Julian's grip.

"You know I fucking had to pull strings with Lahey to keep the cops out of that little stunt you pulled this morning?"

"Ya well...No one asked you too."  
Ricky tried to evade the other man's burning stare.

Julian shook him like he was trying to wake him up.

"You think this is funny…..huh!?!"

Ricky's posture stiffened.

"You really want to go back to jail that fucking bad!? You think it's going to be so fucking great there!?"

"Well... it's gotta be better than havin' to fucking deal with you, ya crazy fucking dick!"

Julian grabbed him by the shoulders and knocked him back against the wall, this time pinning him tighter.

"You're a real idiot, you know that? Are you so fucking stupid that you don't remember what happened the last fucking time you were there by yourself?!!" Julian shouted inches away from him. 

In a flash of anger the words had spilled from his mouth. But now the regret was settling in just as fast.

That was a dumb thing to say.

As he became overly aware of the bruising grip he still had on him, Julian remembered Ricky had hurt his arm. He dropped his gaze to where his hands met the other man's shoulders. For a second it felt like his hands were shaking. But it was the body beneath them. Julian slowly brought his gaze up to get a good look at the other man.

Ricky's lip quivered as a faint trail of tears ran down his face. He looked frozen as he tried to hold back the wave of emotions. One look at the situation and Julian couldn't take his hands off him fast enough.

He'd fucked up.

"God Rick..I..I.I'm so sorry I shouldn't have done that." He stammered. His mind scrambled to think of what to say, how to fix this-

What if he couldn't?

Quickly he pulled the tape off Ricky's wrists and threw it to the side, stepping back to give him some space. It was the least he could do. He couldn't apologize enough for making him relive that memory.

"I didn't mean it." His words came out weak and shaky. His tone made him sound small. "You know I'd never hurt you. I....I... wouldn't do that Rick. He said, voice wavering barely above a whisper. He didn't know what to say to fix this. 

Julian cupped his hands over his face. "Fuck!... Why do I keep fucking everything up!" Turning away from Ricky he dropped himself to sit cross-legged on the floor.

The shock took a few moments before it had worn off. Once it had, Ricky's senses returned back to reality and the first thing to catch his attention was the dark figure turned away from him by the floor, a few feet away from where he was standing. 

Some unfamiliar, soft sound seemed to be cutting through the silence. After a few seconds passed, he had managed to recognize it. Julian was crying. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen him like that. For some reason it scared him. 

A moment ago he'd been so angry. Had every reason to be. But seeing Julian in that moment, he couldn't really think of anything else anymore.

Letting his legs go lax until they couldn't hold him up anymore, Ricky slid himself down the wall until he was crouching against it. His arm ached dully. A reminder of what had just happened, but he could barely care about that now.

Hesitantly, Ricky scooted across the floor towards the other man until he was sitting by him. Stretching a hand out, almost instinctively, he placed it on Julian's head and began patting his hair with long gentle strokes.

The sensation had been so unexpected, it had instantly drowned out all of Julian's other thoughts, drawing him back to the present. Gaining enough courage to finally face Ricky, Julian dried the last bit of water left on his face as he lifted his head up from his hands. The expression that greeted him wasn't the one he was expecting. Ricky was focused on him, but not with anger. As he scooted closer to sit beside him, Julian almost felt unusually peaceful.

" I remember Julian." He said looking away as he let out a breath. "And..I'm sorry for fucking scaring you...Here you ares lookin' out for me and I had to go be a dick." Ricky paused a few seconds to relax his breathing. "I don't fucking want to go back by myself man. I was just so fucking pissed. I can't do anything by myself, and you know, now I lost Lucy…..I don't want to lose you too." The emotion was clear in his voice.

Julian looked at him. "You're not going to, ok? I'm not going anywhere Rick," he said softly.

"Promise?"

He pulled him into a strong hug. "Ya bud. That's a fucking promise." 

When the two of them had gained some composure back, they separated. Turning to Julian, Ricky was the first to say something.

"Alright, so we both fucked up right?.. And we both said we're sorrys."

Julian silently agreed.

"So I say we should just swipe the State clean, you know? We're even with Steven  
and all that shit !"

Julian chuckled.

He studied Julian's face. He looked so tired. "Jesus man."

"What?"

"You look like shit."

"Haha...well you don't look much better."

Ricky smirked back. It was nice seeing him like this again. Breathing out a long sigh, he relaxed his posture. "...I need a fucking drink."

"Yeahh...Me too." He hesitated a moment before speaking again. "Rick. Look man, I can't tell you how sorry I am. Really. I want to make this right. I'm going to make this up to you." He paused a moment to think. "We can do anything you want Rick, just name it."

"Anything?" He repeated, raising an eyebrow in disbelief.

Julian gave him a questioning look, but didn't protest.

"Good." Ricky smiled mischievously. "Cause I got some ideas."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry my updates take so long, I'm not a very strong editor and am a bit of a perfectionist. I re-wrote this so many times it got to the point where I realized I had to stop or I'd never post it.


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